Should mates live together prior to marriage? In today's society more and more couples are living together before tying the knot; if they ever marry at all. But is it conducive to a healthy relationship? Making the decision to live together is a huge step in a relationship and not one that should be taken lightly. It may lead to happily ever after or it may have you running from his foot odor and bad habits faster than a pig at a luau. It is imperative that you both assess the situation thoroughly and realistically. No matter how well you think you know or like a person, once you move in together you will find out some things about that person that you do not like. Whether it's clipping his toe nails in bed, her anal retentiveness, or his incessant nitpicking. There will be something.
Finding out your mate's bad habits prior to marriage may be a good thing. Living together could help you decided whether you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who refuses to put the toilet seat down. It may allow you to see all the flaws of your sweetie but it may also let you see a side of him/her that you didn't know existed. Perhaps your man likes to do the laundry or clean the kitchen or maybe your lady secretly loves to watch spike tv and drink beer with dinner. Living together may be the push needed to go ahead and say I do or it may be the wake up call that you need to move on.
On the other hand, many people believe it is wrong and sinful to co-habitat with your significant other prior to jumping the broom. They believe you are allowing him to "get the milk without buying the cow" and he'll never want to marry you. This position has some merit. I have seen women who've decided to live with their mates and five years later they are still waiting on a ring. The mate tells her that there's no need in trying to fix something that ain't broken. He/she believes that the relationship you two have together is working just fine and there's no need for a ring or marriage. Of course almost every woman wants a wedding or at least a nice size diamond ring on her left ring finger.
So living together can be a blessing or a curse. That is why it is imperative to set some ground rules and really discuss what both mates expect from the arrangement and the relationship. Don't do it for the wrong reasons like because you want to be able to have sex more often or just because it will save you money. In the long run, those factors won't be able to save a dying relationship. In the end, only the two people who are contemplating living together know what's right for them. No one on the outside looking in can make that decision for them. Just remember it is a huge step that shouldn't be taken lightly so please, please take your time and do it right!!! Until next time- Peace!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Trust
Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship whether is is familial, platonic, or romantic. i was speaking with a friend earlier to day and we were discussing whether a person should have to show that he/she can be trusted or should you give a person the benefit of the doubt and trust them unless he/she gives you a reason not to trust him/her? I'm a natural cynic so I, of course, believe that one has to give me a reason to trust him/her. I know I have trust issues. I always have been distrustful of people. People have always let me down so I grew up depending on myself and not trusting anyone to help me. Trust requires you to have faith in people and I'm a little short on that these days. i don't necessarily enjoy being so cynical and pessimistic but i don't really know any other way to be. Change is hard to come by.
Some people's trust issues have sabotaged their relationships with their significant others. They question what the other person is doing constantly and accuse them of cheating all because they have issues trusting. Although I have trust issues they have never been unsubstantiated. I'm usually right when it comes to distrusting someone. But I still wish I could have more faith in people. Trust or rather lack thereof can be a major roadblock to developing meaningful relationships with others. Sometimes you do have to take a chance on people. It may pay off and you may end up with a friend for life or with the man/woman of your dream or the job of your dream. Of course it could also come back to bite you in the butt and hurt you in the process, but isn't life about taking chances? So I am vowing here and now to try and be more trusting and to at least give people the benefit of the doubt. I'll keep you informed on how it works out. Wish me good luck!!!!
Some people's trust issues have sabotaged their relationships with their significant others. They question what the other person is doing constantly and accuse them of cheating all because they have issues trusting. Although I have trust issues they have never been unsubstantiated. I'm usually right when it comes to distrusting someone. But I still wish I could have more faith in people. Trust or rather lack thereof can be a major roadblock to developing meaningful relationships with others. Sometimes you do have to take a chance on people. It may pay off and you may end up with a friend for life or with the man/woman of your dream or the job of your dream. Of course it could also come back to bite you in the butt and hurt you in the process, but isn't life about taking chances? So I am vowing here and now to try and be more trusting and to at least give people the benefit of the doubt. I'll keep you informed on how it works out. Wish me good luck!!!!
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Dependent Lovers
Do you spend all your free time with the one you love or at least really like? If so, then you may be co-dependents and sabotaging your relationship. I know it may seem like your lover is the only person in the world you want to be with. He/she understands you, makes you laugh, takes you out, cuddles with you, showers you with attention, makes sweet love to you. Everything is great. You don't want to be with anyone else and you began to neglect your family and friends because you would rather spend time with him/her. Eventually one of you begins to pull away, for various reasons, and suddenly the other is left feeling lonely and neglected. What do you do now? All those people you neglected are ticked at you and of course they will eventually forgive you if they really care about you, but you feel numb. You still want to spend all your time with your sweetie and are going through withdrawal. It sucks! Your perfect little world has been turned topsy-turvy and you can't handle it. This is the result of being dependent on another for everything. It is one of the more unhealthy types of relationships in my opinion.
In order to have a healthy productive relationship with another, you have to strike a balance between your lover, friends, family, and any other outside interest you had before meeting that person. Neglecting the life you led prior to dating this person will only lead to you eventually feeling inadequate, lonely, and unwanted; even if that isn't the case. No two people can spend all their time together and expect to be happy. It's too much. Having other things going on in your life let's you appreciate the time you do have with that special person and makes those moments so much more special.
Another scenario is that the person you are with felt alone in this world before you came alone. He/she didn't have a balanced life to begin with . I remember a few years ago a friend of mine telling me that he was with this girl whom he felt himself losing interest but he was too scared to leave her for fear that she may just shrivel up and die. He was her entire world. She had no one else. This type of relationship is emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. The person begins to feel trapped and can't breath. This type of relationship can lead to devastating results depending on just how weak the dependent person really is. It' s hard to break away from a relationship like this. Fear and guilt are holding you hostage. There is no easy way to end things, but for your sanity and well-being it is necessary. So if you or someone you know is in a relationship like this, it needs to end. No person should be completely dependent on another. Ever!!!!!!
This is all my personal opinion, I'm no relationship guru. So if you have any comments are helpful tips please share.
In order to have a healthy productive relationship with another, you have to strike a balance between your lover, friends, family, and any other outside interest you had before meeting that person. Neglecting the life you led prior to dating this person will only lead to you eventually feeling inadequate, lonely, and unwanted; even if that isn't the case. No two people can spend all their time together and expect to be happy. It's too much. Having other things going on in your life let's you appreciate the time you do have with that special person and makes those moments so much more special.
Another scenario is that the person you are with felt alone in this world before you came alone. He/she didn't have a balanced life to begin with . I remember a few years ago a friend of mine telling me that he was with this girl whom he felt himself losing interest but he was too scared to leave her for fear that she may just shrivel up and die. He was her entire world. She had no one else. This type of relationship is emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. The person begins to feel trapped and can't breath. This type of relationship can lead to devastating results depending on just how weak the dependent person really is. It' s hard to break away from a relationship like this. Fear and guilt are holding you hostage. There is no easy way to end things, but for your sanity and well-being it is necessary. So if you or someone you know is in a relationship like this, it needs to end. No person should be completely dependent on another. Ever!!!!!!
This is all my personal opinion, I'm no relationship guru. So if you have any comments are helpful tips please share.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Oblivious:Lacking conscious awareness
Ladies:
Has your man ever seemed oblivious to your needs and desires? I'm not talking about intentionally ignoring you or treating you badly purposely. What I'm talk about is when you have a good man but sometimes he gets caught up in his own world and his own needs and forgets about yours and then wonders why you are a little "upset"? For example, you come home from a long day at work and you walk in and he is playing a video game. He looks up (maybe) says hi and then goes back to his game. He doesn't realize that you were expecting a little more of a warm welcome. An hour later, he decides that he wants to spend a little quality time together but by that time you are pissed and he can't understand why. So you have to take your time to explain to him why you are upset and he doesn't get why you just didn't tell him what you wanted when you walked in and he had his head stuck in the t.v. It never crossed his mind to get up and greet you properly and ask you about your day. He was completely oblivious to your needs. Now I'm not saying this scenario plays out everyday or even once a week, because then you may need to have a serious talk or or get to walking away from your inattentive man.
That example is just to show that sometimes men are just unaware of what is going on around them . Perhaps it's too hard for them to focus on more than one thing at a time. We as mothers and wives are naturally attentive to the needs of others but I can't say the same thing about men. This is not to bash men. We need them as much as they need us even though the reasons may vary. I love my man but sometimes I get a little tired of having to tell him the things that he should know naturally to do. He gets so focused on what he is doing, whether it's studying, working, or playing video games that he doesn't seem to realize that I need his attention. He tells me I should just tell him how I feel and he will stop doing what he's doing, but sometimes I need him to just know what I need.
Has your man ever seemed oblivious to your needs and desires? I'm not talking about intentionally ignoring you or treating you badly purposely. What I'm talk about is when you have a good man but sometimes he gets caught up in his own world and his own needs and forgets about yours and then wonders why you are a little "upset"? For example, you come home from a long day at work and you walk in and he is playing a video game. He looks up (maybe) says hi and then goes back to his game. He doesn't realize that you were expecting a little more of a warm welcome. An hour later, he decides that he wants to spend a little quality time together but by that time you are pissed and he can't understand why. So you have to take your time to explain to him why you are upset and he doesn't get why you just didn't tell him what you wanted when you walked in and he had his head stuck in the t.v. It never crossed his mind to get up and greet you properly and ask you about your day. He was completely oblivious to your needs. Now I'm not saying this scenario plays out everyday or even once a week, because then you may need to have a serious talk or or get to walking away from your inattentive man.
That example is just to show that sometimes men are just unaware of what is going on around them . Perhaps it's too hard for them to focus on more than one thing at a time. We as mothers and wives are naturally attentive to the needs of others but I can't say the same thing about men. This is not to bash men. We need them as much as they need us even though the reasons may vary. I love my man but sometimes I get a little tired of having to tell him the things that he should know naturally to do. He gets so focused on what he is doing, whether it's studying, working, or playing video games that he doesn't seem to realize that I need his attention. He tells me I should just tell him how I feel and he will stop doing what he's doing, but sometimes I need him to just know what I need.
Monday, January 21, 2008
HPV Vaccine
As a mother of a 5 year old girl, it terrifies me to think that I may soon have to take my child to have a vaccine for a sexually transmitted disease for fear of her later having cervical cancer. How do you as a mother explain this scenario to a 12 year old or better yet a 9 year old? When your child is at that age you still imagine her playing double dutch and having sleep overs with her girlfriends. I know realistically in the world that we live in today that children are having sex at young ages, but no one wants to think that it will be her daughter. So how do we explain to our children as young as 9 years old that we want them to get shots to help protect them from a sexually transmitted disease when they don't even truly understand the dynamics of sex? I don't have the answer but I welcome comments from those who think they may.
It's also a question that leads me to examine the parenting skills of black parents. I know that black mother's from less wealthy backgrounds rarely, if ever, have conversations with their daughters about sex in general so how do health care professionals expect them to have a conversation and explain getting a vaccine to prevent getting HPV to the daughters that they never have a sex talk with at all? Black women need to spend more time educating their children about sexual behavior. I know first hand that my mother never talked to me about sex and that may have something to do with me getting pregnant at 16. Children should not get their sex education from music videos, their friends, or from anyone off the street. It is up to us to teach our children about safe sex and abstinence and how to value their bodies and love themselves enough to not just give their most precious gift to just anyone. We as black women have a duty to protect our children at all cost because no one else will.
It's also a question that leads me to examine the parenting skills of black parents. I know that black mother's from less wealthy backgrounds rarely, if ever, have conversations with their daughters about sex in general so how do health care professionals expect them to have a conversation and explain getting a vaccine to prevent getting HPV to the daughters that they never have a sex talk with at all? Black women need to spend more time educating their children about sexual behavior. I know first hand that my mother never talked to me about sex and that may have something to do with me getting pregnant at 16. Children should not get their sex education from music videos, their friends, or from anyone off the street. It is up to us to teach our children about safe sex and abstinence and how to value their bodies and love themselves enough to not just give their most precious gift to just anyone. We as black women have a duty to protect our children at all cost because no one else will.
Friday, January 18, 2008
The Beginning
Hello All:
This is my first foray into blogging and I am super excited. This blog's intent is to be an open forum for women to come and explore and discuss the many issues that plague women and our communities. Men are also welcomed and encouraged to read and share. All comments are welcomed and appreciated. Before I can ask you to share your thoughts and your beliefs with me, I feel that I must share a little bit of who I am with you. I hope this blog will be all that you hope it will be.
About Me: I am a proud single mother who is constantly battling with my inner self to figure out what my purpose is here on earth. I feel like I was put here to make a difference, but I haven't figured out exactly how I'm supposed to do that. i love kids more than anything and I can't wait to have more and adopt one day. I'm goofy and silly and a hopeless romantic and I've found the man of my dreams. I love to talk **it and play. I'm a realist who likes to dream. I love reading and writing and would love nothing more than to help disadvantaged youth. I love to just chill and listen to music. I love men and I love to laugh. I'm a deep thinker but also superficial at times. I say stupid stuff sometimes and can act pretty dumb. I think every man in the universe should want me. I love me to death. I love having friends I can count on and who keep it real. I love having a large family. I love potatoes in any form. I love to just hang out and chill. i love to talk about my kids and I think they are little geniuses. I think I am the **it. The most important thing to me is providing my kids with a loving stable home life so they won't ever have to experience any of the madness I did growing up. I want to conquer the world and make everything right but sometimes I just want to fuss and fight. These are all pieces of me and yet they don't complete the full picture; so stay tuned.
This is my first foray into blogging and I am super excited. This blog's intent is to be an open forum for women to come and explore and discuss the many issues that plague women and our communities. Men are also welcomed and encouraged to read and share. All comments are welcomed and appreciated. Before I can ask you to share your thoughts and your beliefs with me, I feel that I must share a little bit of who I am with you. I hope this blog will be all that you hope it will be.
About Me: I am a proud single mother who is constantly battling with my inner self to figure out what my purpose is here on earth. I feel like I was put here to make a difference, but I haven't figured out exactly how I'm supposed to do that. i love kids more than anything and I can't wait to have more and adopt one day. I'm goofy and silly and a hopeless romantic and I've found the man of my dreams. I love to talk **it and play. I'm a realist who likes to dream. I love reading and writing and would love nothing more than to help disadvantaged youth. I love to just chill and listen to music. I love men and I love to laugh. I'm a deep thinker but also superficial at times. I say stupid stuff sometimes and can act pretty dumb. I think every man in the universe should want me. I love me to death. I love having friends I can count on and who keep it real. I love having a large family. I love potatoes in any form. I love to just hang out and chill. i love to talk about my kids and I think they are little geniuses. I think I am the **it. The most important thing to me is providing my kids with a loving stable home life so they won't ever have to experience any of the madness I did growing up. I want to conquer the world and make everything right but sometimes I just want to fuss and fight. These are all pieces of me and yet they don't complete the full picture; so stay tuned.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)